84深渊大雾-凉夜12(1 / 1)

是啊,我有很多事情都不了解。我不了解你们明明性格那么的不合适为什么还要相互折磨,不了解你们对于我的爱究竟是承载着新的喜悦和希望还是对于我那个未曾谋面的“哥哥”的补偿,我不了解你们争强好胜的心理和偏执顽固的控制欲究竟意义何在,不了解你们对我的每一个决定每一个选择指手画脚背后的良苦用心。我什么都不了解,因为你们从未给过我了解的机会,你们了解一切,可是从来不肯去面对你们所看到的真相,甚至从未发现,自己自以为最了解实际上却一无所知的,就是身边最亲密的人。卡特琳娜的手在母亲看不见的地方紧紧攥住了被角,这就是你从来不会在我身边给我鼓励的原因吗,是在我跌倒的时候从来不会问我哪怕一句“痛不痛”的原因吗,你知道我几乎和别人同床共枕仅仅是得到了一个偶然的不怀好意的关心吗,你什么都不知道,也永远不屑于知道啊。眼前的一片漆黑里纷乱的光影交错闪现,随着她情绪的波动,房间里的能量产生了微妙的流动。

仿佛是感觉到了背后有风吹来,女人走到阳台边检查了推拉门的锁,复又坐回来“阳台也不上锁……唉…你要一个人去上学,叫妈妈怎么放心,我家的卡儿这么漂亮,又这么小…妈妈…唉……”

听见母亲哽咽的声音,某种情绪从脑中像病毒一样扩散开,瞬间就感染了全身上下。压抑的委屈、质疑,无数次即将冲口而出的话都汇聚成了眉眼鼻尖的酸楚,即将破闸决堤。

“卡儿,我想你高中毕业了,就和你爸离婚吧。以前觉得我们只是凑合着过日子,没有考虑到会对你有这么大的影响。你愿意跟着妈妈吗?咱们两个人换个小点的离你将来的学校近一点的房子住,你爱吃什么,妈妈就做什么,好不好?”女人仿佛是收起了刚刚将要崩溃的情绪,继续温言细语的念叨着,编织着一个美好的假象。

卡特琳娜忍不住抿紧了唇,她骄傲的自控能力在今晚一再的化为乌有,眼泪无法汹涌的一落到底,便顺着眼角淌下来汇在一起冲下去,在枕头上晕开水花,贴着枕头的发丝很快就被濡湿贴在头皮上,有种充满了潮意的闷热。所以这一切的说辞,负荆请罪也好,苦口婆心也好,什么都好,全部都是,全部都是希望我继续依附在你的身边,你和父亲互不认输的较量,已经让你可以把我也作为一颗天枰上的砝码,能够衡量你在这场婚姻里的得失,作为跟你没有任何血缘关系的我是应该备感荣幸还是如蒙恩泽,我还有感到孤独而失望的资格吗?

“我第一次做妈妈…卡儿…我很担心我做的不好…”

可我也是第一次做女儿,我为什么要因为体谅你而伤害我自己,我为什么要因为逼迫而顺从然后放弃自己的人生。我不要你变好因为我也不知道什么才算好,我不要你认识到自己的不好,我甚至不要你担心自己的不好,这些都只会加重我们之间的负担,都只会让我更加想要远远的逃离你,因为你从未想过改变。

“卡儿,妈妈也犯了很多错。每个人都会犯错,你也会做错题,是不是?那你原谅妈妈好不好,我想把自己的经验都告诉你,不是要打压你,也不是要让你过得不快乐。原谅妈妈,好吗?”女人俯下身子想要吻吻少女睡去的脸,柔软如花瓣的肌肤一再地提醒她自己拥有一个多么优秀的女儿,她时刻不为她而骄傲。但她只是抚着她的头发,眼泪滴进红棕色的发丝中。

看不见的阴影里,眼泪倾泻如雨,爱与恨、与愁闷、与滚烫的怒火一同点燃,燃烧着少女稚嫩的心。

不,我绝不原谅。

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